Singing When You Feel Like Crap

Neal Acito

DON'T

Don't Gargle with Saltwater- It will irritate rather than soothe your throat. Frankly, it's the worst thing you can do.

Stay Away From Soda- It's gonna make you rumbly in your tumbly.

No Spicy Food- Taco Bell tastes good, but you will possibly burn your throat from the reflux.

Avoid Starbucks- Go easy on the caffeine, it's also an irritant. Have a small cup, at most, no "venti".

No Drastic Measures- There are tons of fake cures out there. Ignore them. You are better off with a good night's sleep rather than taking any "miracle" herbal supplement.

See a Doctor- I hate to belabor the obvious, but you might have strep throat. Call early, get an appointment, and pay the copay.

Get Plenty of Rest- Sleep is amazing. It's probably a better healer than we give it credit for. At the very least, get horizontal and watch Law and Order.

Don't Speak- It's another obvious one, but it's advice that everyone seems to forget about. Close the mouth, and conserve.

Drink Water- If you feel the need to do something, then drink water. It can't hurt you and it will keep you hydrated.

Bundle Up- It's a cold, cruel world out there. Cover your neck with a scarf or turtleneck sweater. While at home, pop a towel in the dryer and then take it out and cover your neck.

Chicken Soup- Have a nice cup of broth. Not so much, bubbele. You look thin. You never call anymore. I have a nice girl for you. Now, let's watch Barbra.

Some Survival Tips

It happens. You've got a singing gig and you are sick as a dog. What to do?

First of all, see a doctor. Don't mess around. You should never perform if you are feverish and seriously ill. If you have to cancel, then cancel.

However, there are times when you are simply "under the weather" or, perhaps, "not 100%". It's at those times, you may want to, well, "cheat" a little on your vocal performance. So, with that in mind, here are some tips to help you survive the gig---

1) Change the Key.
For example, Delilah is in the key of D, played on guitar with a capo on the second fret. Take off the capo, play it C. It sounds the same on the fretboard, but you get a break on the high notes.

Richie Havens. Tunes to D

2) Tune Down to D.
Standard guitar tuning is E,A,D,G,B,E. Tune it to D,G,C,F,A,D instead. The guitar sounds like Richie Havens is playing it and you get to bring everything down a tone.

(By the way, this is what I do when I play Dixieland banjo. Trumpet, trombone, clarinet, and tenor saxophone are all Bb instruments. They get to play in C, I don't have to blow out my voice, and everybody's happy.)

3) Choose Easy Songs.
I recently jammed on some Who tunes with friends. The Song is Over goes up to high As, Bs, and Cs. Squeezebox is a heckuva lot easier. Guess which one I picked?

4) Ladies, Pick Something from the American Songbook.
If you choose I Will Always Love You, people will want you to sound like Whitney Houston. If you choose something like Pennies from Heaven, you can sing it fast, slow, or off key. Nobody seems to mind how you sound or who you sound like.

5) Gentlemen, Sing Brown Eyed Girl.
I dont care how badly you sing, this tune will always put you in good with the ladies.

Jump around like this idiot

6) Enthusiasm Over Accuracy.
The best way to hide bad singing is to jump around, shout or speak the words, and put on a show. Flashy costumes help. Sex sells.

7) Make Subtle Excuses.
"I'm sorry, can we bring my vocals up in the wedges? I'm having trouble hearing myself."

8) Use Distraction.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this next song features our bass player, Joe Funkelstein!" Throughout the tune, keep pointing to Joe. Punctuate it with, "Isn't he great?"

9) Sing in Unison.
Singing in unison with another band mate hides a lot of mistakes. The vocals sound stronger and you can always blame the other guy for a bad note.

10) Use Effects.
Reverb is the Botox of vocalization. (Some people use delay or echo.) It wont hide a badly hit note, but it will take out the wrinkles and make you look younger.

11) Let the Backing Singers Do the Work.
Let them take the melody while you do runs and fills. Even BAD runs and fills get applause because people think youre being jazzy and hip.

Mitch couldn't sing a note

12) Get the Audience to Sing Along.
If they're singing along with you, they'll be listening to themselves instead of how bad you are.

13) Flirt and Flatter.
Keep in mind, theyre not just a good crowd. They're "the best crowd I've ever had and I mean that! I wish I could take you home with me!"

And finally, heres my favorite---

14) Do a Monologue to Gain Sympathy.
Just say this:
"Sorry, its just that whenever I sing this song, I get all choked up. I can't help but think about a dear member of the family we lost a few years back, our dog, Sparky."

Trust me, there wont be a dry eye in the house

Applaud for Sparky!